The storm had settled off to the east leaving the water with a still cadence unlike any I had seen before. Most days when the rains leave, the waters stay choppy still reminding us that any moment could be riddled with stinging drops from the heavens. At the very least, the winds would linger with a biting chill. But not on this day. The air, like the waters below me, was still as a lioness stalking her prey. The greyed layers that lined the horizon started to mix with reds and pinks as the sun lowered behind the thinning clouds. I would not see the sun on this night, adding yet another day to the dozens like it before where the sun seemed nearly absent. Though I do believe to this day that those subtle tones of colour saved my life. Times had fallen into chaos and true despair in the previous weeks, and truly I needed anything resembling hope on which to grasp. On that night, 'twas that camouflage sunset that my hands held so tightly to. It kept my head above the water, so to speak.

It had been twenty-five days since my best friend drowned in the very waters that I stand over. He had been out past dark in his small vessel trying to bring in his crabbing cages. The rain snuck up on him, and like so many nights here the wind followed very near in step. They believe that the weight of him along with the cages were too much for the boat to navigate with the weather conditions as they were. His body was discovered the following morning by a local man who frequents a coastal hiking path. I could never bring myself to look at him. I regret that now. Every night since, I have gone to this short-ledged cliff overlooking the spot he would frequently drop his crabbing cages. I look for his face in the clouds. Most nights I just stare into the grey, and hide my tears in the autumn rains. With time though, the tears have become thoughts and I find myself wishing I could join my friend in his ocean-drenched grave. I have approached the ledge with intent more times than I care to recall. I wonder if it's my courage or fear that keeps my feet on ground.

Alone for so many years, without anyone whom I could truly call a friend, this time became most difficult. Coping with the loss of someone who so closely resembled my kin. My friend, closer than any family I have ever known, knew me better than even myself. That always scared me. But I realize now that this fear was in reality a love of sorts. When someone knows you so intimately, they are in essence a piece of you. The night he went away, I awoke midway to dawn with a stabbing pain in my chest. I would not understand until later that this was my friend's spirit being ripped from my heart. It has taken many sleepless nights, and I imagine that it shall take dozens more, but I pray that one day the bleeding will halt.

I ache for your friendship again, and I hope that you may salvage some corner of heaven old friend. With grace forever and a heart that shall wait for death to be whole again, I bid thee safe passage and good resting.

For my friend Galvin Deermer

Drake Trivier Gaentlet
1896

Current Location: LIBRARY!

Have a happy happy birthday, yo.

After awaking this morning on an unfamiliar couch, feeling very much like I had in fact drank the seven beers that I remembered drinking, I was reminded that alcohol has two effects on me. The first is that it makes any sleeping problems that I have disappear. And with the morning, comes the whiplash second effect; depression. I didn't exactly picture the new year starting with me sitting in my car at Boulevard Park staring at the water, nearing a breakdown. But alas, that is in fact what happened this morning. With the aid of a few tunes, I started feeling slightly better. Truly it was the company of Mr. McKay that saved me today though (that and the tasty garlic soup that he made!) And though I love having friends to pick me up, I shouldn't need anyone but myself to make me feel better in the end. With this in mind, I do something that I have never in the past done;

I am making a New Years resolution...

Resolution 1;1
Listen to happier music. Though beautiful, my usual musical dwelling is one of heartbreak, pain and suffering. These are elements that have played a key part in my depression; this I have determined. It's not the music's fault, nor the musicians that make this music. But I am far too susceptible to crutching on other people's feelings. Transference is very much an issue with me, and some of this music shall simply be deemed as unsafe to my health and everyday well-being.
Resolution 1;2
Don't live within my own head. As a result of the introspective music that has driven my life for these past years, I have lived too much inside my head. With thoughts of whether or not I deserve actual intimacy, the level of how unhealthy this truly is has reached a climactic breaking point that simpy cannot be ignored for any longer. It struck me this morning, when I was feeling very down on myself, just how ludicrous it is to think that you could poison another human being simply with a flash of depression. Everyone gets down on themselves, and to think that you are not worthy of another person's company because of some sad thoughts is absolutely ridiculous!
Resolution 1;3
Spread the happiness. Over the past year, I have found that I possess this sort of power within. Truly, I believe that everyone holds this somewhere inside them. The magic for me is that I have discovered it, and am willing to utilize it's power. This is the power of living with a beam of happy light emitting from you at all times (or most times at least.) I choose today, to responsibly wield the happiness that I hold within my being and try my best to spread the happy. Like an anti-cancer cancer, happiness will overtake this world. Hehe.

And here... we... go!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0

Current Music: "Just Like Heaven" by The Cure

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Kwanzaa, season's greeting and all that cool jazz. It hasn't felt like the holidays to me at all. Not since Thanksgiving at least. I credit this to the incredible amount of time that I've spent working. Today is my first day off since the sixteenth (which was Mom's birthday.... which I may have forgotten at the time.) The good news is that I'm keeping my job for now.
Last night did feel like Christmas though. I took a bus to the grocery store just before they closed to get a meat thermometer, whip cream and a turkey pan (as erotic as that may sound, I swear it's all being used for dinner!) I decided to walk home from there, taking the high streets that were lined with colourful lights and snow. That felt like Christmas; the good kind. Not the consume consume consume Christmas that I've been experiencing. A nice walk through the night by myself really can make everything okay again. I love that.

Anyway...

I'm making my first attempt at cooking a turkey. Many holidays have passed where there has been turkey, but never have I been the one to prepare or cook the thing. I'm not a meat specialist, though I love cooking. My hope is that this bird comes out right. I'd hate to have a poorly cooked/flavoured turkey on my first try. No stuffing.... kind of. I stuffed it with things that I thought would enhance the flavour and moisture. So yeah, fingers are crossed. I would have my toes crossed if they were long enough.
I'll be making mashed potatoes as well, and taking along a pumpkin pie and tomato-mozzarella salad. This was kind of a last-minute venture due to weather so I'm not expecting everything to be perfect. I'm just happy to have company for the holiday! Dinner is at Sarah and Thatcher's, Neil will be there, and Donut Sarah will be joining us as well (she's bringing homemade egg nog!) This should be a nice little get-together.

The little quirk; getting there. It's only a couple of miles, but my car hasn't moved since we started getting snow more than a week ago. It iced over last night after a day of melting, and now it's snowing again. I'll just drive very very carefully and hope that nobody (myself included) does anything stupid.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Collide" by Rachael Yamagata

Tomorrow, I'm going here;

View Larger Map
Why you may ask? Because of this;

Hopefully snow will not stop my plans from coming to fruition. This is going to sweet.

Sarah, Thatcher and Neil came to Costco today for supplies. I spotted them on my way back from lunch; totally made my night. Thatcher was sort of antsy, but that didn't stop him from giving me a hug and asking "you're at work?" ADORABLE. Take it away Miss Goodin--

(day before Thanksgiving in Seattle)

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends here in the good ole U.S. of A. Enjoy the upcoming food coma... I know that I will be out of control. Tasty tasty Turkey day.

And now for something we think you'll really enjoy!


As a side note, I wanted to comment on how lazy some people appear to be. Costco sells premixed cans of pumpkin pie. They're sold in packages of three, and all you have to do is pour one can into a pre-made pie crust and cook. But instead of taking this route, hundreds of people waited in excess of an hour for freshly baked pumpkin pies..... REALLY!? Not the way I would wish to spend my Wednesday, but hey more power to ya for your patience. We sold nearly two thousand pumpkin pies yesterday; kinda crazy.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: "Hotel California" by Gipsy Kings

Every time I swallow, there is this intense pain in the back of my throat. It hurts wicked badly, but hey! LIFE IS GOOD. So off to the BBBS meeting and then work.... and I look GOOOOOOOD.

PEACE!

Current Music: "Invincible" by OK Go

October 1st, Akron Ohio-

A ninety year-old woman named Addie shot herself in the chest with an old shotgun. The house that she had called home for nearly forty years had just fallen out of her control due to foreclosure. And can you blame her? At ninety, you lose all that you can call your own. All you worked your whole life for is snatched away by the bank. So what can you do? Set the keys to your house neatly next to your purse and life-insurance policy papers on the bureau.... sit down on your bed, and pull the trigger I suppose.

Rest in peace, Addie Polk.

I've never considered myself politically charged by one party or the other. The continued bickering has always seemed the signs of what surely would become a crumbled system. The Democrats promised massive change when they took control of the House and the Senate two years ago. TWO YEARS AGO. I understand that some things are difficult to alter with a staunch Republican holding the power to veto. But at least have the balls to TRY something before your country falls to shambles. I wish blame would stop being flung, and everyone in the political world would just man up (or woman up.... Ms. Pelosi....) and take some of the fucking blame for themselves. "I fucked up." Not too hard to say especially when everyone knows it's the truth.

Tags: rant
Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: "Set us Free" by Black Mountain

First Andy was going to fly out from Ohio. Then when he bailed on me, I asked Jodie. And she said yes. Now she has pulled out because of work. I could ask someone else... one of my other very few friends. But I say fuck it. I posted my desire for a person to hold the second ticket on Craigslist. It could be a nightmare.... or it could be great fun. Either way, amazing music will be involved.