Kellin

Apparently even when I'm happy, that warm fuzzy emo side comes out to play....

2009-09-14T23:19:30Z

The storm had settled off to the east leaving the water with a still cadence unlike any I had seen before. Most days when the rains leave, the waters stay choppy still reminding us that any moment could be riddled with stinging drops from the heavens. At the very least, the winds would linger with a biting chill. But not on this day. The air, like the waters below me, was still as a lioness stalking her prey. The greyed layers that lined the horizon started to mix with reds and pinks as the sun lowered behind the thinning clouds. I would not see the sun on this night, adding yet another day to the dozens like it before where the sun seemed nearly absent. Though I do believe to this day that those subtle tones of colour saved my life. Times had fallen into chaos and true despair in the previous weeks, and truly I needed anything resembling hope on which to grasp. On that night, 'twas that camouflage sunset that my hands held so tightly to. It kept my head above the water, so to speak.

It had been twenty-five days since my best friend drowned in the very waters that I stand over. He had been out past dark in his small vessel trying to bring in his crabbing cages. The rain snuck up on him, and like so many nights here the wind followed very near in step. They believe that the weight of him along with the cages were too much for the boat to navigate with the weather conditions as they were. His body was discovered the following morning by a local man who frequents a coastal hiking path. I could never bring myself to look at him. I regret that now. Every night since, I have gone to this short-ledged cliff overlooking the spot he would frequently drop his crabbing cages. I look for his face in the clouds. Most nights I just stare into the grey, and hide my tears in the autumn rains. With time though, the tears have become thoughts and I find myself wishing I could join my friend in his ocean-drenched grave. I have approached the ledge with intent more times than I care to recall. I wonder if it's my courage or fear that keeps my feet on ground.

Alone for so many years, without anyone whom I could truly call a friend, this time became most difficult. Coping with the loss of someone who so closely resembled my kin. My friend, closer than any family I have ever known, knew me better than even myself. That always scared me. But I realize now that this fear was in reality a love of sorts. When someone knows you so intimately, they are in essence a piece of you. The night he went away, I awoke midway to dawn with a stabbing pain in my chest. I would not understand until later that this was my friend's spirit being ripped from my heart. It has taken many sleepless nights, and I imagine that it shall take dozens more, but I pray that one day the bleeding will halt.

I ache for your friendship again, and I hope that you may salvage some corner of heaven old friend. With grace forever and a heart that shall wait for death to be whole again, I bid thee safe passage and good resting.

For my friend Galvin Deermer

Drake Trivier Gaentlet
1896

FOR HALEY!!

2009-04-13T16:14:17Z

Have a happy happy birthday, yo.

This is stupid

2009-01-02T04:38:13Z

After awaking this morning on an unfamiliar couch, feeling very much like I had in fact drank the seven beers that I remembered drinking, I was reminded that alcohol has two effects on me. The first is that it makes any sleeping problems that I have disappear. And with the morning, comes the whiplash second effect; depression. I didn't exactly picture the new year starting with me sitting in my car at Boulevard Park staring at the water, nearing a breakdown. But alas, that is in fact what happened this morning. With the aid of a few tunes, I started feeling slightly better. Truly it was the company of Mr. McKay that saved me today though (that and the tasty garlic soup that he made!) And though I love having friends to pick me up, I shouldn't need anyone but myself to make me feel better in the end. With this in mind, I do something that I have never in the past done;

I am making a New Years resolution...

Resolution 1;1
Listen to happier music. Though beautiful, my usual musical dwelling is one of heartbreak, pain and suffering. These are elements that have played a key part in my depression; this I have determined. It's not the music's fault, nor the musicians that make this music. But I am far too susceptible to crutching on other people's feelings. Transference is very much an issue with me, and some of this music shall simply be deemed as unsafe to my health and everyday well-being.
Resolution 1;2
Don't live within my own head. As a result of the introspective music that has driven my life for these past years, I have lived too much inside my head. With thoughts of whether or not I deserve actual intimacy, the level of how unhealthy this truly is has reached a climactic breaking point that simpy cannot be ignored for any longer. It struck me this morning, when I was feeling very down on myself, just how ludicrous it is to think that you could poison another human being simply with a flash of depression. Everyone gets down on themselves, and to think that you are not worthy of another person's company because of some sad thoughts is absolutely ridiculous!
Resolution 1;3
Spread the happiness. Over the past year, I have found that I possess this sort of power within. Truly, I believe that everyone holds this somewhere inside them. The magic for me is that I have discovered it, and am willing to utilize it's power. This is the power of living with a beam of happy light emitting from you at all times (or most times at least.) I choose today, to responsibly wield the happiness that I hold within my being and try my best to spread the happy. Like an anti-cancer cancer, happiness will overtake this world. Hehe.

And here... we... go!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0

Happy Christmas, Harry!

2008-12-25T18:33:07Z

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Kwanzaa, season's greeting and all that cool jazz. It hasn't felt like the holidays to me at all. Not since Thanksgiving at least. I credit this to the incredible amount of time that I've spent working. Today is my first day off since the sixteenth (which was Mom's birthday.... which I may have forgotten at the time.) The good news is that I'm keeping my job for now.
Last night did feel like Christmas though. I took a bus to the grocery store just before they closed to get a meat thermometer, whip cream and a turkey pan (as erotic as that may sound, I swear it's all being used for dinner!) I decided to walk home from there, taking the high streets that were lined with colourful lights and snow. That felt like Christmas; the good kind. Not the consume consume consume Christmas that I've been experiencing. A nice walk through the night by myself really can make everything okay again. I love that.

Anyway...

I'm making my first attempt at cooking a turkey. Many holidays have passed where there has been turkey, but never have I been the one to prepare or cook the thing. I'm not a meat specialist, though I love cooking. My hope is that this bird comes out right. I'd hate to have a poorly cooked/flavoured turkey on my first try. No stuffing.... kind of. I stuffed it with things that I thought would enhance the flavour and moisture. So yeah, fingers are crossed. I would have my toes crossed if they were long enough.
I'll be making mashed potatoes as well, and taking along a pumpkin pie and tomato-mozzarella salad. This was kind of a last-minute venture due to weather so I'm not expecting everything to be perfect. I'm just happy to have company for the holiday! Dinner is at Sarah and Thatcher's, Neil will be there, and Donut Sarah will be joining us as well (she's bringing homemade egg nog!) This should be a nice little get-together.

The little quirk; getting there. It's only a couple of miles, but my car hasn't moved since we started getting snow more than a week ago. It iced over last night after a day of melting, and now it's snowing again. I'll just drive very very carefully and hope that nobody (myself included) does anything stupid.

Adventure time!

2008-12-10T09:57:07Z

Tomorrow, I'm going here;

View Larger Map
Why you may ask? Because of this;

Hopefully snow will not stop my plans from coming to fruition. This is going to sweet.

liefde_siochain @ 2008-12-02T23:41:00

2008-12-03T07:44:10Z

Sarah, Thatcher and Neil came to Costco today for supplies. I spotted them on my way back from lunch; totally made my night. Thatcher was sort of antsy, but that didn't stop him from giving me a hug and asking "you're at work?" ADORABLE. Take it away Miss Goodin--

(day before Thanksgiving in Seattle)

liefde_siochain @ 2008-11-27T09:35:00

2008-11-27T17:44:44Z

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my friends here in the good ole U.S. of A. Enjoy the upcoming food coma... I know that I will be out of control. Tasty tasty Turkey day.

And now for something we think you'll really enjoy!

As a side note, I wanted to comment on how lazy some people appear to be. Costco sells premixed cans of pumpkin pie. They're sold in packages of three, and all you have to do is pour one can into a pre-made pie crust and cook. But instead of taking this route, hundreds of people waited in excess of an hour for freshly baked pumpkin pies..... REALLY!? Not the way I would wish to spend my Wednesday, but hey more power to ya for your patience. We sold nearly two thousand pumpkin pies yesterday; kinda crazy.

liefde_siochain @ 2008-10-29T09:18:00

2008-10-29T16:19:23Z

Every time I swallow, there is this intense pain in the back of my throat. It hurts wicked badly, but hey! LIFE IS GOOD. So off to the BBBS meeting and then work.... and I look GOOOOOOOD.

PEACE!

liefde_siochain @ 2008-10-12T11:23:00

2008-10-12T18:34:47Z

October 1st, Akron Ohio-

A ninety year-old woman named Addie shot herself in the chest with an old shotgun. The house that she had called home for nearly forty years had just fallen out of her control due to foreclosure. And can you blame her? At ninety, you lose all that you can call your own. All you worked your whole life for is snatched away by the bank. So what can you do? Set the keys to your house neatly next to your purse and life-insurance policy papers on the bureau.... sit down on your bed, and pull the trigger I suppose.

Rest in peace, Addie Polk.

I've never considered myself politically charged by one party or the other. The continued bickering has always seemed the signs of what surely would become a crumbled system. The Democrats promised massive change when they took control of the House and the Senate two years ago. TWO YEARS AGO. I understand that some things are difficult to alter with a staunch Republican holding the power to veto. But at least have the balls to TRY something before your country falls to shambles. I wish blame would stop being flung, and everyone in the political world would just man up (or woman up.... Ms. Pelosi....) and take some of the fucking blame for themselves. "I fucked up." Not too hard to say especially when everyone knows it's the truth.

Sigur Ros concert

2008-10-02T07:04:37Z

First Andy was going to fly out from Ohio. Then when he bailed on me, I asked Jodie. And she said yes. Now she has pulled out because of work. I could ask someone else... one of my other very few friends. But I say fuck it. I posted my desire for a person to hold the second ticket on Craigslist. It could be a nightmare.... or it could be great fun. Either way, amazing music will be involved.

liefde_siochain @ 2008-09-21T00:03:00

2008-09-21T07:10:28Z

Work today was good, and having it rain all day made me much more willing to be there than I have been over the past two weeks. After work, I baby-sat Miss Goodin's little Thatcher. He slept for most of the time, and then the last forty minutes were quite the adventure. But it was fun, and he's a good kid. Neil and Sarah said they had a good time, so that makes it well worth the crying that I had to endure. It felt pretty good getting him to laughter after that though.... years from now, I shall enjoy having kids.

“Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot, comin' for to carry me home”

1; I stood by the roadway for many hours
Awaiting a carriage that would never come
I should have known that so like life
Death is laced in metaphor and folklore
We’re told that at this bus station
Salvation shall arrive
Drawn by two silver-maned horses
The patience which we display shall thus
Be rewarded with eternal grace
But we never truly listen
For the whispers tucked between words
Shall reveal what is desired of us
We’re meant to explore
The creation of people was in itself
An act on desire
We’re these stamps of self-image
Set to run free, and break the rules
For the gods are trapped
Behind clouded mountains
And rivers of gold and greed

“I went to the Jordan, and what did I see comin’ for to carry me home
A band of angels calling after me, comin’ for to carry me home”

2; Stranded without light or compass
Miles from anything that resembles familiarity
I wait with only the purring of a stray cat
To keep me company
Sitting at my feet; watchful and content
The dancing of her white tale catches my attention
For only a few moments
Before once again I turn my eyes to the dark
In anticipation of what isn’t coming
Time passes with thoughts in which to dwell
The fangs of the Reaper grasped me too soon
I owe nothing; it is I who am owed
A life, a debt which shall be paid in full
Before I dig my feet from this piece of dirt
Not a step shall I tread
And with this thought, my feline companion
Extended her paws forward, only to draw claws
Etching the ground with sharp tips
Open chasms were bound in the earthen soils
And I was swallowed whole
Lost to the depths of purgatorial cat scratches
I should have walked
Wading through the shadows and impulses
That bound my mind to obedience
I should have wandered
Instead, I listened to a book
That promised heaven-bound chariots of gold
Truly, I should have believed
In myself

“Swing low, sweet chariot, comin’ for to carry me home.”

liefde_siochain @ 2008-09-10T08:55:00

2008-09-10T16:00:04Z

A happy happy birthday to away_she_flew! I know that the day hasn't started perfectly, but enjoy the rest of the day!

Voter fraud

2008-09-07T17:43:16Z

The state of Washington uses the mail-in system for voting. If the address that you have registered to receive ballots is incorrect, you will not have the opportunity to vote. I have been procrastinating about changing my address since moving into my new place. I decided to see if I could do so online. It was easy; first and last name, date of birth, and driver's license number. I didn't even need to provide my prior place of residence. All of this is fairly accessible information. It's interesting to imagine a bank of hackers sitting on their computers and changing hundreds of people's information so that they won't receive ballots.....

Kitty is going to be here in about an hour I think! Taking this time to do some laundry.

Peace.

liefde_siochain @ 2008-09-03T10:55:00

2008-09-03T17:57:10Z

Okay. I think this is it;

"Lemonbud"

I am a leaf
I don’t know what kind of leaf; nothing exotic I imagine
Perhaps I possess deep within the knowledge of how to brew mastery maple syrup
Or I could be the greenhorn of an old oak tree still learning how to properly converse with the acorn family that hangs near my perch
I just hope that I’m not a eucalyptus, for I can imagine no greater horror than being digested by grey teddy bears
I want to know who I am
Mysteries collect on my veiny skin like the ring around a bathtub
Every time you add water, one memory is erased as another is created
One foggy morning upon my awakening, the wind tattled to me a tale about where I’m from;
The poor circulation within my mother tree’s branches resulted in my premature departure from her grasp, swept into the autumn breeze along with the scent of combine oil and harvested soy beans
The dust is suffocating to my delicate membrane, but the bumble bees are kind enough to clean me on occasion
The soft buzzing of their wings, and the fur upon their pollenated backs feels familiar somehow
On hot days, Buztak carries me to the shade of what he calls the “sad tree”; its weeping appearance makes me strangely happy though
But I prefer rainy days to the sunny ones; they’re just more interesting to me
To see everything so blissfully cleansed in mere moments makes one forget about the troubles of life as a loner leaf
Thunder rumbling scares away all of the little ground creatures, making me believe that there must be something bigger than any of this; why else would they run from phantoms?
The electricity of the afternoon lightning brightens my hopes for a better tomorrow
And the best storms are those that bring buckets of droplets to be poured from the heavens
It gives me an opportunity to practice my water-beading skills
Transforming water rockets into subtle orbs of moisture leaves nothing to be desired
I imagine that every droplet that treads my back on its journey from sky to puddle will speak of this mid-air encounter that it had with a most spectacular leaf who told all of the best jokes
But in truth, I acknowledge my awkwardness and hesitance to speech
When the rains have passed, seeking more interesting pastures and leaves
The clouds converse to arrange their parting, spitting a prism of magnificent colour over the mountains in the distance
Rays break through to ground and spread like an orchestra of light; I hear Ave Maria playing
The sun burns me, and it strikes to mind memories that I do not even recall living
I remember being an old farmer sipping lemonade on my front porch in the summer heat after a long day in the fields tending to my crops; the corn is dry this year
There’s a large tree that shadows my eyes from the vicious rays, the first shade that I’d seen since daybreak
Fatigue strikes, leaving my head feeling as though a giant vacuum had been stuck to both my ears
And the lemonade glass slipped from my trembling hand, falling majestically to it’s breaking point on a jagged nail along the porch’s edge
This intense pain had overcome one side of my body, and the force of blacked out gravity pushed me to the ground with such momentum that everything that was my life was possessed within the hand that had only seconds before grasped cold glass
The condensation beaded along the flawed, cavernous cracks of my palm
My calloused fingerprints gained grainy wooden complexion as rings began to form
And from my fingertips sprouted roots to the most magnificent tree that this world had ever seen
Son of a willow and a desert cactus, I am a lemon leaf
Pick thy fruit from the blossoms that base at my stem
Do not squeeze for they are young and require delicate handling
Unlike me
Beat me, bruise me, rip me until all that remains are flakes of zest
Little shreds of shame strewn about surrounding your feet
Waiting to pounce with ghoulish galloping feeding the light within
Like the very rays of sunshine that brought about this daydream in the first place.

liefde_siochain @ 2008-09-02T23:15:00

2008-09-03T06:15:55Z

Ummm... this is like a thirty minute drive from my house;

http://apnews.myway.com//article/20080903/D92V2ID81.html

Dude.

2008-09-02T05:41:12Z

Few times will I actually evict anything from my apartment. I got rid of those two spiders who were living in my shower because at the time there was no better place in my apartment for them and I certainly did not want them to be washed down the drain. I allow the flies to buzz about, and the spiders in my closet to live peacefully. But I draw the line at rodent-sized arachnids. A spider just walked across my floor that quite literally could have covered a Kennedy half-dollar. I trapped it and escorted it outside to a nice flower bed. There are surely many tasty insects for him there... certainly more than inhabit my tiny abode.
Back in Ohio, we had these spiders called wolf spiders. I am unsure of whether they inhabit these parts, but I was reminded of the creatures that lived under the bricks in our garage back home when this guy scurried across my wooden floor. So out of place. That's what happens when you live in the basement of an old building eh?

Okay. Peace.

Note to New Orleans

2008-08-31T07:17:12Z

You never should have built your city below sea level on a tropical piece of water which frequently plays home to hurricanes. Second over, you never should have tried to re-build from the Katrina damage. And now, Hurricane Gustav bears down with Category 4 strength and the potential to become a Category 5. For your sake New Orleans, I hope. I pray that Gustav spares you his wrath. But please regardless of landfall location, take this as warning and give up! Abandon the bloody city; you are endangering millions of people lives!

Apparently I am just full of rants lately... peace!

44th President of the United States of America....

2008-08-30T04:26:35Z

John McCain is going to win the Presidential election. There is no question in my mind at this point. Obama made a terrible choice for a running mate, and Mr. McCain just made the most brilliant choice he ever could have made.

Joe Biden yells. When ever he speaks in public, he has this level of speaking that he steps up to that quite literally resembles screaming. He reminds me of Howard Dean... in the bad way. I love Howard Dean, but the man doesn't know how to speak to a crowd. You need to be calm, collected, but at the same time psyched up and excited. It's a balance that few people can master, but I have no doubt that Joe Biden has no bearing of this concept.
As for Sarah Palin, the current governor of Alaska. Regardless of the result now, the elected ticket will make history. We will either have our first black President, or our first female Vice President. The Republican political machine surely will push that button BIG TIME. Hillary supporters have hated Obama from the beginning, and here is their excuse to vote Republican.

Here is the really interesting thing to me. Geography is not playing any part in the process this go around. Obama is from typically Democratic Illinois, McCain from heavily Republican Arizona, Biden from the tiny (and practically voiceless) Delaware, and Palin is from the lowly populated and always-Republican land to the north. In 2004, the Democrats played the Edwards card hoping to sweep the south which blew up in their face.

And this time. Well this time I think the South WILL go to the Democrats. At least pieces due to the heavy black populations. We saw in the Primaries that Obama gets these folks out. But I think that Palin pushes states such as Michigan, Florida and Ohio to the Republican side. Biden may bring Pennsylvania (he grew up in Scranton), but at this time I honestly see McCain winning by a significant margin (at least 8%)

In the end, I hate Obama's choice. It makes it very difficult for me to get excited about the ticket. I love Obama, and I want to see the man be President but there will always be doubts about his ability to take the international reins at such a young age. Biden may add credibility to the ticket, but he's far too extreme on some fronts and I think that he comes off as an upper-middle class white guy. And let us be honest; there isn't much upper-middle class left in this country. He was an impulse pick perhaps in light of the developing issue with Russia. I still would have loved to see Wes Clark. He would have been THE perfect pick, and Obama would have won with ease. Clark is a military man, and that is what McCain's card is. You counter him with a military face, and that is the ballgame right there.

To be honest here, I would have even taken Clinton over Joe freaking Biden. And I've said that I would reconsider voting for Obama if he picked Hillary. That should tell you how much I hate the Biden pick.

Rant over.

Reading it tonight....

2008-08-25T19:12:42Z

It's important to know when your work must be edited. I have changed some thing with this piece, and bridged the lines better;

"The Lemon Poem"

I am a leaf
I don’t know what kind of leaf; nothing exotic I imagine
Perhaps I possess deep within the knowledge of how to brew mastery maple syrup
Or I could be the greenhorn of an old oak tree still learning how to properly converse with the acorn family that hangs near my perch
I just hope that I’m not a eucalyptus, for I can imagine no greater horror than being digested by grey teddy bears
Mysteries collect on my veiny skin like the ring around a bathtub
Every time you add water, one memory is erased as another is created
Little of this world do I know, but the wind has tattled to me a tale about where I’ve come from;
The poor circulation within my mother tree’s branches resulted in my premature departure from her grasp, swept into the autumn breeze along with the scent of combine oil and harvested soy beans
The dust is suffocating to my delicate membrane, but the bumble bees are kind enough to clean me on occasion
The soft buzzing of their wings, and the fur upon their pollenated backs feels familiar somehow
I do know that I prefer rainy days to the sunny ones; they’re just more interesting to me
To see everything so blissfully cleansed in mere moments makes one forget about the troubles of life as a loner leaf
The electricity of the afternoon lightning brightens my hopes for a better tomorrow
Thunder rumbling scares away all of the little ground creatures, making me believe that there must be something bigger than any of this; why else would they run from phantoms?
Plus it gives me an opportunity to practice my water-beading skills
Transforming water rockets into subtle orbs of moisture leaves nothing to be desired
I imagine that every droplet that treads my back on its journey from sky to puddle will speak of this mid-air encounter that it had with a most spectacular leaf who told all of the best jokes
The sun burns me, and it strikes to mind memories that I do not even recall living
I remember being an old farmer sipping lemonade on my front porch in the summer heat after a long day in the fields tending to my crops; the corn is dry this year
There’s a large tree that shadows my eyes from the vicious rays, the first shade that I’d seen since daybreak
Fatigue strikes, leaving my head feeling as though a giant vacuum had been stuck to both my ears
And the lemonade glass slipped from my trembling hand, falling majestically to it’s breaking point on a jagged nail along the porch’s edge
This intense pain had overcome one side of my body, and the force of blacked out gravity pushed me to the ground with such momentum that everything that was my life was possessed within the hand that had only seconds before grasped cold glass
The condensation beaded along the flawed, cavernous cracks of my palm
My calloused fingerprints gained grainy wooden complexion as rings began to form
And from my fingertips sprouted roots to the most magnificent tree that this world had ever seen
Son of a willow and a desert cactus, I am a lemon leaf
And I’m here to live.

That's right; FREE

2008-08-15T17:43:13Z

Dana from work gave me... yes GAVE me a television last night. It's actually a really nice one, too. 'Tis flat-screen (not flat-body) so it doesn't have that weird disproportionate bodies thing that tube televisions have. I watched Batman Begins on it last night, and it's amazing especially for having been free. It goes perfectly with the DVD/VHS machine that Ryan from work GAVE to me. Hehe... yay for furnishing my place for free. :D

I'm short on battery, and still without internet. Yay for Stuart's. I'm off to search for a good book shelf at one of the antique shops.

Ciao.

Aledgedly a Heathen

2008-08-01T07:07:37Z

liefde_siochain @ 2008-07-28T23:38:00

2008-07-29T06:39:30Z

http://apnews.myway.com//article/20080729/D9279UCG0.html

I may not attend the local congregation, but they are nonetheless my brothers and sisters. Rest in peace.

Have You Ever seen the Pain?

2008-07-15T00:26:48Z

Dockside Mattress

2008-07-14T04:30:40Z

liefde_siochain @ 2008-07-13T01:18:00

2008-07-13T08:22:12Z

Tomorrow, I will live dangerously. I'm going to bike the Guide to work. For those not familiar with Bellingham, that's the main north-south road once you get out of downtown on the north side. It's the road on which Costco resides, and it also happens to be where crazy drivers go to play. Despite this, I'm going to bike it to work. Perhaps on another day, I'll try one of the alternate routes...

Ciao. :)